A super important subject, because it is the foundation,
together with body awareness to have inner stability.
First of all:
Why it is so important to love yourself,
and second,
why is It often so difficult to love yourself?
Well, the world around you will always change.
EXTERNAL VALIDATION & CIRCUMSTANCES
If you make yourself dependent on the appreciation of other people, for instance, or that circumstances go the way you wish them to go, you put yourself at the mercy of stuff from the outside.
When you connect your self-love or self-worth to how other people see you or whether they like you, you make yourself very vulnerable.
It’s okay to be vulnerable because we are.
GIVING & RECEIVING UNCONDITIONALLY
The other crucial point is:
(Self-)Love is not a bank account, or a shop aka:
You give me that, so I give you that in return, then we are even.
Love does not work that way.
In connection to yourself, it looks like this:
Examples of inner dialogue:
“I have done….XYZ….so well today, now I deserve to love myself.”
In connection with others:
“I have given you so much time and attention, now you owe me the same.”
It might not sound as blunt as that, but listen truly inside yourself:
Does it ring a bell?
Do you sometimes think or feel along these lines?
It’s about giving and not expecting anything in return,
disattaching from the outcome.
* * *
Let’s look at the receiving side:
Receiving Love
Babies and pets, especially cats (!) are stars in that. They simply receive love and attention, because they are- and not necessarily feel compelled to give it back immediately.
They do!
With presence.
Through their way of being.
How does this work for us humans when we grow up?
The pure ability to receive often gets troubled when we grow up, as it gets attached to a condition: Only when you behave in a certain way, you are worthy of receiving Love. It can result in inner beliefs, that sound like this:
Examples of inner dialogue:
In connection to yourself:
“Do I deserve to love myself, even though sometimes I am so stubborn, angry, petty…XYZ”
THE SIMPLE ANSWER IS :
YES.
***
In connection with others:
“Huh, you gave me such a beautiful present,
now I need to return that gesture.”
“Do I deserve all this attention / affection / support / money?”
“Is it not too much?”
“Am I a burden if I receive this help?”
“Will I be judged as selfish if I simply accept and say Thank you.” ?
* * *
The point is:
Disattach the love for yourself from the things you do,
or if you will be loved back in the same way.
It’s a big one.
Maybe read that sentence once more.
Aloud.
Taste the words and how and if they resonate within you.
Notice your inner criticism or skepticism.
***
Let’s go deeper into this.
We often get appreciated for the things we do and achieve.
So appreciation is connected to something we do – and do well.
Hence, it is linked to a condition:
to perform something well to deserve to be loved,
to get high grades, to have a diploma, etc.
Society is conditioned to these values. I do not deny that some doors open easier when you have certain diplomas or papers.
But the bottom line is:
These papers do not define your worth as a person.
You are worthy.
Of course, it is great when you can accomplish things well.
No doubt about that.
The difference is to love yourself because you ARE,
and not -only!- because you do something well.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with doing things well,
and it helps stuff to move on.
In essence, it is crucial to recognize and feel that difference.
Once you feel the difference, all you accomplish is an added value, but you are no longer at the mercy of dependency or hooked on appreciation/validation from others.
It’s the process of differentiating between self-love for you as a person, with everything that you are, and self-love for the things that you do.
WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS, NOT HUMAN DOINGS.
This means to accept and embrace both shadow and light: The glorious sides of you and the pitfalls, flaws, and demons alike.
It might go in tiny steps to accept that, and it will also not be the same every day.
Your body feels different every day, and so does your mood, your condition, and your inner state.
Hence, it is so utterly important to nourish and stabilize the love for yourself, and with that your inner energy, and your stability.
So what are expressions of self-love?
For instance:
To thank yourself daily for your existence
To appreciate when things do go well
To be compassionate towards yourself when things do not go the way you want, too!
To feel, gratitude for who you are and for all the beauty around. Especially in small things, and big things, of course, too.
We have the Gratitude ritual which is part of this process.
You are welcome to do it whenever you want.
Make it a ritual, make it a practice.
You can forgive yourself for making the wrong choices, because it happens.
And also when things go out of shape, go peer shaped, and you think: “Okay, that so didn’t work!”
…be mild about it,
or
…get mad about it!
And then ditch it, let it go again, and have the trust that there will always be a new moment and a new opportunity.
All right, so let’s sum it up:
Self love is at the center. Self value, self respect, and self-care are all the branches that contribute to that.
Here, you can listen to the words above in an audio file:
Healthy boundaries are the way to make them happen.
We’ll go deeper into that in the following chapters.
Important Note:
A healthy sense of self is connected to feeling safe.
Often, we develop patterns in early childhood that influence how we relate to others. These were formed in times when we depended on our primary caretakers for safety. In the chapter SAFETY you’ll find more about that, and how these patterns might still influence the dynamics of how you relate- to yourself and others.
NOTE:
They also tend to play a role in working relationships.
* * *
Here you find a video on Gratitude practice:
In the attachments below, You find various resources to practice and embody this stuff.
Gratitude Practices:
A quiet contemplative one
A physical outgoing one.
Playsheets: What are you available for – and what not?
Yes, please!
No, thank you.
PS: these examples apply to business owners.
If you are not a business owner, you can replace the examples with core values in your life.
Now, take a sheet of paper, journal, or document and decide what you will be available for – and what not !
Let’s shine more light on
Self-love and your Inner Energy
A super important subject, because it is the foundation,
together with body awareness to have inner stability.
First of all:
Why it is so important to love yourself,
and second,
why is It often so difficult to love yourself?
Well, the world around you will always change.
EXTERNAL VALIDATION & CIRCUMSTANCES
If you make yourself dependent on the appreciation of other people, for instance, or that circumstances go the way you wish them to go, you put yourself at the mercy of stuff from the outside.
When you connect your self-love or self-worth to how other people see you or whether they like you, you make yourself very vulnerable.
It’s okay to be vulnerable because we are.
GIVING & RECEIVING UNCONDITIONALLY
The other crucial point is:
(Self-)Love is not a bank account, or a shop aka:
You give me that, so I give you that in return, then we are even.
Love does not work that way.
In connection to yourself, it looks like this:
Examples of inner dialogue:
“I have done….XYZ….so well today, now I deserve to love myself.”
In connection with others:
“I have given you so much time and attention, now you owe me the same.”
It might not sound as blunt as that, but listen truly inside yourself:
Does it ring a bell?
Do you sometimes think or feel along these lines?
It’s about giving and not expecting anything in return,
disattaching from the outcome.
* * *
Let’s look at the receiving side:
Receiving Love
Babies and pets, especially cats (!) are stars in that. They simply receive love and attention, because they are- and not necessarily feel compelled to give it back immediately.
They do!
With presence.
Through their way of being.
How does this work for us humans when we grow up?
The pure ability to receive often gets troubled when we grow up, as it gets attached to a condition: Only when you behave in a certain way, you are worthy of receiving Love. It can result in inner beliefs, that sound like this:
Examples of inner dialogue:
In connection to yourself:
“Do I deserve to love myself, even though sometimes I am so stubborn, angry, petty…XYZ”
THE SIMPLE ANSWER IS :
YES.
***
In connection with others:
“Huh, you gave me such a beautiful present,
now I need to return that gesture.”
“Do I deserve all this attention / affection / support / money?”
“Is it not too much?”
“Am I a burden if I receive this help?”
“Will I be judged as selfish if I simply accept and say Thank you.” ?
* * *
The point is:
Disattach the love for yourself from the things you do,
or if you will be loved back in the same way.
It’s a big one.
Maybe read that sentence once more.
Aloud.
Taste the words and how and if they resonate within you.
Notice your inner criticism or skepticism.
***
Let’s go deeper into this.
We often get appreciated for the things we do and achieve.
So appreciation is connected to something we do – and do well.
Hence, it is linked to a condition:
to perform something well to deserve to be loved,
to get high grades, to have a diploma, etc.
Society is conditioned to these values. I do not deny that some doors open easier when you have certain diplomas or papers.
But the bottom line is:
These papers do not define your worth as a person.
You are worthy.
Of course, it is great when you can accomplish things well.
No doubt about that.
The difference is to love yourself because you ARE,
and not -only!- because you do something well.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with doing things well,
and it helps stuff to move on.
In essence, it is crucial to recognize and feel that difference.
Once you feel the difference, all you accomplish is an added value, but you are no longer at the mercy of dependency or hooked on appreciation/validation from others.
It’s the process of differentiating between self-love for you as a person, with everything that you are, and self-love for the things that you do.
WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS, NOT HUMAN DOINGS.
This means to accept and embrace both shadow and light:
The glorious sides of you and the pitfalls, flaws, and demons alike.
It might go in tiny steps to accept that, and it will also not be the same every day.
Your body feels different every day, and so does your mood, your condition, and your inner state.
Hence, it is so utterly important to nourish and stabilize the love for yourself, and with that your inner energy, and your stability.
So what are expressions of self-love?
For instance:
To thank yourself daily for your existence
To appreciate when things do go well
To be compassionate towards yourself when things do not go the way you want, too!
To feel, gratitude for who you are and for all the beauty around. Especially in small things, and big things, of course, too.
We have the Gratitude ritual which is part of this process.
You are welcome to do it whenever you want.
Make it a ritual, make it a practice.
You can forgive yourself for making the wrong choices, because it happens.
And also when things go out of shape, go peer shaped, and you think: “Okay, that so didn’t work!”
…be mild about it,
or
…get mad about it!
And then ditch it, let it go again, and have the trust that there will always be a new moment and a new opportunity.
All right, so let’s sum it up:
Self love is at the center.
Self value, self respect, and self-care
are all the branches that contribute to that.
Here, you can listen to the words above in an audio file:
Healthy boundaries are the way to make them happen.
We’ll go deeper into that in the following chapters.
Important Note:
A healthy sense of self is connected to feeling safe.
Often, we develop patterns in early childhood that influence how we relate to others. These were formed in times when we depended on our primary caretakers for safety. In the chapter SAFETY you’ll find more about that, and how these patterns might still influence the dynamics of how you relate- to yourself and others.
NOTE:
They also tend to play a role in working relationships.
* * *
Here you find a video on Gratitude practice:
In the attachments below, You find various resources to practice and embody this stuff.
Gratitude Practices:
Playsheets:
What are you available for – and what not?
PS: these examples apply to business owners.
If you are not a business owner, you can replace the examples with core values in your life.
Now, take a sheet of paper, journal, or document and decide what you will be available for – and what not !
Attachments4
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